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The Clown Car Update for November 12, 2017

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The International Olympic Committee, in a surprise development on Tuesday night, added a new sport to the upcoming Winter Olympics in South Korea next February. The new event is called the “Long Distance Under the Bus Throw.” Speaking from their headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland IOC President Dr Thomas Bach said the surprise move was inspired by Donald J. Trump’s record toss of Republican gubernatorial candidate Ed Gillespie under a bus all the way from Seoul, South Korea. The toss occurred mere minutes after Virginia polls closed. “This was a historic throw, one for the record books,” Bach declared, “prompting the IOC to immediately name Mr Trump as the first qualifier in the new event.”

Tuesday’s under-the-bus toss by Mr Trump was a record 11,308 kilometres shattering the former record of 3,363 km also held by Mr Trump. That record was set on June 16, 2015, when during his announcement for the presidency of the United States, Mr Trump tossed the entire country of Mexico under the bus from New York City. As amazing as that toss was, Tuesday’s fete had jaws dropping from Bejing to Moscow. Russian president Vladimir Putin praised Trump not only for the distance but …read more

The Clown Car Update for November 5, 2017

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Well, well. The indictments were flowing faster this week than urine on Donald Trump’s bedsheets. But this time, it was the Oval Office taking the soaking and it was Bob Mueller peeing all over Donnie’s parade. The news that Trump’s foreign policy advisor George Popadopoulos was wearing a wire for the entire month of October had the West Wing thinking of who would be wearing an orange jumpsuit. And although he denied he had anything to worry about, he could smell the ink on the arrest warrant. So how do you know when your presidency is about to end. Well, here in the Clown Car Update have assembled for you the top ten ways Donald Trump knows he is about to be indicted:

10. Ivanka has just started a new fashion line of GPS ankle bracelets.

9. The Secret Service changed his codename to Prisoner 45.

8. “Who is Donald Trump?” was the answer on Jeopardy to the question “He was the first President whose official portrait was a mug shot.”

7. He found fingerprinting dust on his smartphone.

6. There is feedback coming from Melania’s bra.

5. Sean Spicer changed his …read more

The Clown Car Update for October 29, 2017

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This week Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona gave a historic speech on the floor of the Senate to tell us something we didn’t know and something we knew for a very long time. First, he surprised us by announcing that he would not seek re-election in 2018. Then he told us the reason: Donald J. Trump is such a flaming asshole that no one but a total weasel could possibly support this man. All the weasels listened in shock, and then sat there kissing their photographs of Trump’s ass. But there was an even greater statement denouncing Trump that got a lot less attention, but here at the Clown Car Update, we have obtained a transcript of a speech given by none other than the God of the Old Testament.

People of Earth,

Yes, I know you screwed up before with Richard Nixon, The Jerry Springer Show, and thong underwear for men. But Donald Trump? Really? Didn’t you learn your lesson with The Hindenberg? Large bags of unstable gas are dangerous. And what you have done is take the Hindenberg, put it in the White House, and called it your president. At first, I thought it was my fault. …read more

Better Never Than Late: Profiles in Cowardice

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This week, four men of the president’s party offered impassioned warnings about the threat he poses to our democracy. Three of them did so in eloquent tones, one with stunning blunt force. “Trump may be setting the US on the path to World War III,” Sen. Bob Corker warned us. We faced this prospect once before and that was 12 days in October of 1962 when there were steadier hands and cooler temperments at the helm of government. Stripped of any pretence of diplomacy, Sen. Corker described our current ruler in terms reminiscent of Alan Bennett’s classic film, “The Madness of King George :

I don’t think there’s any question that that’s the case, just in the way he conducts himself and goes to such a low level. I just — I do. The worst of it is going to be the whole debasing of our nation. I think that will be the contribution that hurts our nation most.

Corker’s words shocked reporters and fellow party members alike, while he described how the person sitting at the Resolute Desk is “utterly untruthful.”

In a speech given at the George W. Bush Institute, the former president for whom the institute is named gave …read more