On Friday, January 12, the mass of lard and body odour known as Donald Trump had his annual physical. As with everything else in the Trump cult, his physician, Dr Ronny Jackson was so impressed with the results that he could hardly contain himself. In case you missed his press conference on Tuesday, here is his glowing, over-the-top assessment:
Hello. I’m Dr Ronny Jackson and on this past Friday, I was given the privilege and honor, of giving a physical exam to what can only be described as the most perfect specimen medical science has ever documented. We were aware of President Trump’s high IQ and stamina, but no one on the medical team expected what we witnessed. I will go through some of the details now and later I will take questions.
The president’s temperature was 98.6 degrees, but believe me, the female members of the medical team in attendance thought he was much hotter! It must have been the split in the back of his hospital gown. He measured 75 inches but in my eyes, he is so much taller than that. At two hundred and thirty-nine pounds he is a hunka-hunka burnin’ love!
The president’s urine
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Are you having trouble recruiting white immigrants? Do applicants from shithole countries keep clogging your inbox? Do you wish that all your applicants looked like they work at Fox News? Well, your troubles are over because now there is WhiteRecruiter! WhiteRecruiter is the easy way to keep black and brown people from infiltrating your lily-white country.
WhiteRecruiter put you in touch with millions of pure white immigrants from the whitest countries possible. We have people ready to go from Norway, Sweeden, Iceland, Greenland, Denmark, and Finland. And if that is not white enough for you, we have immigrants from the Faroe Islands where they have not seen melanin in over five thousand years!
Here’s how WhiteRecruiter works. First, we eliminate any applications from the African continent. Then, we eliminate people from Haiti who all have AIDS as well as most of South America, the Carribean Islands, Samoa, and Puerto Rico. I know what you are thinking: “Puerto Rico? But that’s part of the United States!” Well, not to Trump! Next, we ask all applicants to submit DNA test results to verify that they do not have even the most remote relationship with anyone south of the Arctic Circle. Then
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It was the divorce of the century. On one side, a career driven parent trying to prove that he could become the greatest of his peers. On the other, a parent dedicated to his cause but driven by the demons of wanting to have a career of his own. Caught in the middle of this struggle is the innocent little child, watching his parents tear his world apart. No, I am not talking about the plot from the Best Picture of 1979, Kramer vs Kramer. I am talking about the brutal breakup of Steve Bannon and his soul mate, Donald J. Trump. And, as in all messy divorces, the court is asked to divide up the property and decide the fate of the children. The Clown Car has obtained the divorce decree in this matter, Trumpy vs Trumpy:
IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that Steve “Sloppy” Bannon, Petitioner, and Donnie “Doe Boy” Trump are divorced and that the marriage between them is dissolved on the ground of mutual stupidity.
Children of the Marriage
The Court finds that there are several children of the marriage and their custody is decided as follows:
Mitch McConnel – a child of the marriage to be
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This week, on Episode 318 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we reveal the “Best of the Clown Car” award winners! And the winners are… Best War Monger in an Hysterical Rant: John McCain – “The Ukraine: Why We Must Attack”…
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